The Story Sent by Mail

By Anonymous Pilot

So 2020 was a shit year.

I had made the decision to move in the hopes of advancing my career. My leadership had plans for me. I was finally going to be doing things that I was truly passionate about. Unfortunately, this meant leaving the man I had loved for 3 years. Our relationship was challenging for several reasons I won’t get into but suffice to say we had our issues living in the same city. Being 1,000 miles apart was going to be tough.

However, I saw it as a good challenge. Maybe it would allow for better communication and show us what is important to our relationship. And besides, it’s my career I told myself at a young age, “Never give up your passion or career for a man.”

So I moved.

And at first everything was great. Things were good at work. I was feeling challenged and excited! I had made some frineds in my new city and was exploring my new home.

And then march came.

I was forced to spend endless hours stuck at home. I couldn’t spend as much time talking to the man I loved. I couldn’t see my friends. I hated it. My apartment became hell. Alcohol became my best friend and the mental health issues I had been ignoring took center stage in my life.

I have dealt with severe PMS symptoms my whole life (well since my first period). The mood swings were always the worst and left me crying over the smallest thing. That negative voice in my head only making things worse.

I dealt with this in various ways to everything from switching birth controls to going off them completely. I would be good for several months but inevitably that voice would come back with a vengence. Typically that voice would have a platform for one or two days and would make me feel small, useless, and unloveable. However, I would eventually recover, chastise that voice for how wrong it was and move on.

2020 was different.

I was stuck at home, everything I had moved for was falling apart. All my career growth opportunities were gone. I was broke because I had used all of my savings to move and my relationship was falling apart. Every month that voice got louder and would stick around longer. I started drinkingm ore but that just gave the voice more of a platform.

I was stuck.

Everything came crashing down. I was sitting on my couch, a bottle of white wine, empty. Crying my eyes out because I couldn’t make things work with the man I loved. And a thought occurred to me.

I have a garage, and a car. It would at least be a peaceful death. No one would have to deal with me anymore. I wouldn’t hurt anyone else. In that moment death seemed like the easiest answer. But, I had some friend’s stuff in my garage that I would need to take out because I couldn’t kill myself with their stuff around. As if my death would taint their property and I could not do that to them. So I sat on my couch too drunk and lazy to actually do anything and I eventually went to sleep.

I woke up horrified and scared.

For the first time in my life I was profoundly terrified of my mind and what it was capable of. I had reached my breaking point. I needed help ASAP.

I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist who told me what I was dealing with was 100% treatable and related to a steep decline in serotonin leading up to my period. That combined with other stressors in my life could lead to the depression I had been dealing with.

You don’t always know your in a depression until someone points it out. I certainly didn’t It was very much a lightbulb moment for me. By talking things out we were able to find a good balance of meds to help supplement the times when my brain couldn’t produce the chemicals it needed.

I also started seeing a therapist. She helped me see how toxic my relationship was. She pointed out “you shut down when you talk about him, you don’t seem happy.” She was right. I loved the image of us, that wasn’t true and wasn’t achievable. She helped me see where my true happiness was, she validated what I felt and thought.

There is still a negative voice in my head but, it’s much dimmer. I also have a support system that drowns out the negativity.

2020 was a shit year. But it provided a clarity I have needed for years. I now feel hopeful for the future. And knowing I am not alone with these issues has given me a sense of peace I didn’t know I needed.

Help is available. Speak with someone today. National Suicide Prevention LifelineHours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. 800-273-8255