By Anonymous Pilot
I still remember the first time I went up in a plane. I was 7-8 years old, and just like so many others, I was hooked. I begged my parents for the new flight simulator when it came out. I played until the early morning came. And then, 15 years later, the opportunity finally came. I began flight training. I was obsessed. I immersed myself in it even more.
But during the end of my training, something in my brain changed. I pushed through, and earned my PPL, but I wasn’t the same person anymore. Whether it be chemically or situationally, something was not the same. I had my first panic attack and thought I was having a heart attack. I would later not be able to leave my house or break my routine for fear of having a panic attack.
This, of course, affected my love for flying. I was scared. But it wasn’t just flying I was scared of, I was scared of living. I became so depressed, simply because I wasn’t doing anything outside of sleeping, eating, and working. I was too afraid to tell anyone how bad it had gotten because I knew the facts.
If I needed help, I could potentially lose my medical and in turn, my pilots license – something I had dreamed of and worked so hard to achieve. At this point, I had stopped flying altogether, because I was so afraid of doing ANYTHING other than the norm. I wanted to do everything I could to prevent a panic attack at all costs. Even if that meant losing myself.
So I continued on.
For months – until I didn’t want to be alive anymore. My friends and family stepped in. They told me I needed help. So I went to a psychiatrist. I told her what was going on, and she asked me to rate my anxiety on a scale of 1-10. I told her, “easy, 10.” She said “ok I’m going to prescribe you Zoloft. This will help you. You need something to calm those anxious thoughts.” I immediately blurted out “no you don’t understand.
I can’t take medicine. I’m a pilot…”
“I am just here to go to therapy.” She looked at me, dumbfounded. She told be that if my anxiety was as bad as I said, there was no way I could do this without meds. I was determined. We made a plan, I would come back in a month after 2 therapy sessions to see if I had improved.
I went to therapy, I started exercising, and still – I couldn’t function. I still couldn’t imagine getting in a plane, whether it be with another pilot or solo (ESPECIALLY NOT SOLO).
So, picture this: Here I am, a newly certified private pilot, who has crippling anxiety and is afraid to live, let alone FLY, and I am refusing to take medicine so that I can fly.
When this realization hit me – I went back to the doctor and got on the medicine. At that point in my life, I had to make the decision that I consider myself lucky to be able to make. I am not a career pilot – if I choose not to fly I am still employable. But how many pilots are in my exact same situation and can’t make the difficult decision to ground themselves because they will lose their medical, and in turn, their career?
How many pilots are struggling to live and push through each day so that they can still follow their dreams? Every single person in this world is worthy of mental health care. Pilots are no exception. If you are hurting, if you are struggling, if you are in pain – you are NOT alone. You are NEVER alone. We need you here, and I am so sorry that it is so difficult for you to get the help you need.
But please, don’t give up.
There are people that are fighting for you and I am one of them. I am so thankful for organizations like POSI for making it possible to talk about mental health; and more importantly, to help advocate for those who can’t advocate for themselves out of fear of losing their career. Keep going. We won’t stop fighting for you.
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