By Anonymous Pilot
My life has always been about fulfilling dreams. These dreams were what set my life on the path I followed. The three most important dreams I had were to serve in the military, graduate college, and become a pilot. I accomplished all of these dreams before I turned 29. Some of these dreams were easier than others and some took more of me than the others.
The first dream I accomplished was becoming a Marine. I knew deep down my service was more important than college or flying airplanes. Little did I know that this dream would change the course of another so much. While in the Marines I got to proudly serve my country in Afghanistan. There had never been a time in my life where I felt more at home with myself than being there. The things I saw and experienced shaped me to who I am today. This is where my story really begins.
I went to college and got my degree while earning my pilots license and instrument license. As a veteran with disabilities I knew that in order to remain a pilot I would have to hold a medical that allows me to continue flying. That means going into the office of an AME and disclosing any medical problems or issues I have to get a sign off that I am “fit to fly”. We all have had to do this and it’s nothing new to any pilot. The hardest part for me was knowing that I have to be reevaluated by the VA mental health offices every couple years for my disability rating. I was always worried that things would make a turn for the worse in these reevaluations. I was right because after years of flying my disability rating changed dramatically.
I was diagnosed with depression and an adjustment disorder shortly after I got out of the military. I lost my way after the military and as hard as I tried I could never shake the feelings I had on a daily basis. I kept myself physically healthy to offset the mental challenges I faced. The AME time and time again signed off on a 1st class medical for me and I would walk out feeling good that I didn’t have to relinquish my goal to become an airline pilot… Until the year I had to be reevaluated and it took a turn for the worse. I was then diagnosed with PTSD as well and that ultimately was something that I had always been told would compromise my medical certificate to fly. The differences between PTSD and depression can vary from minor to very severe and sometimes even crippling symptoms. I am fortunate to not be on the severe side of the camp, but I still suffer from the more common symptoms of the disorder.
There have been many accidents in our industry that experts have pointed at the pilots’ depression or mental disorder as an attributing cause of the accident. For someone like me that has those same disorders that scared me. I would hear the chatter around the industry that the FAA was going to crack down on AME’s when dealing with a pilot who has depression. To me that was nothing short of terrifying considering PTSD is often seen as worse than depression. To hear that those four letters or that one word on my record would possibly cause me to lose my ability to fly in the field I love so much tore me apart.
The sad truth is I do suffer from these on a daily basis. It has become part of me and I have been in counseling and seen many doctors to help me cope and live a mentally healthier life. The doctors have helped me learn how to manage my symptoms and work to not let them consume me. I have been very lucky that these symptoms are minor to what others go through on a daily basis. Mentally I am healthier now than I was when I got the diagnosis. The hard truth is that I stopped flying shortly after I saw that diagnosis on my record with the VA. Those four letters have taken the dreams of a child and thrown them to the side. I know that as a pilot there is a constant need to be “on top of your game” everyday at every moment from preflight to shutdown. As a pilot I know that these disorders I have do not affect my ability to do the job. They may however affect the outcome of a simple visit to the AME to renew my medical certificate.
I haven’t flown in a training setting for years now. I haven’t been into the office of an AME in years either. I have lost my dream to fly because as far as I can tell the FAA sees my disorders as a possible accident in the future. I have given up my dream of becoming an airline pilot because I am afraid of being told no by the AME. The mental health approach to flying is such a grey area that there is no set answer for people with disorders. I have spoken with VA doctors and they don’t know enough about the aviation industry to help me find a way to fly again. I have spoken to friends who have told me not to disclose these disorders and I will be fine. The old “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” approach. I honestly have spent more time researching how to fly with a disorder than I ever did studying for check rides. This to me was when I decided to stop flying. It became harder to get an answer to a question than it is to learn how to fly in the first place. I don’t know if I will ever become an airline pilot. I don’t know if I will ever get a 1st class medical as long as I have these mental disorders on my record. I don’t know if these mental disorders will ever come off my record. Therein lies the problem I face.
The worst part is that I don’t even know where to begin to get back into the aircraft because there’s no known starting point. As a pilot we all know every checklist and flight starts with a single line item. A single starting point that we follow from there. It’s a little ironic that an industry that follows checklist usage and flows so much doesn’t have anything like that for people with mental disorders. I can only hope that one day there is an official document or even a guide to follow to help people with mental disorders work towards their goals.
Comments